Controlled Crying: An Introduction

You've probably heard of controlled crying and it can work well for a lot of people. You're tired, your toddler's tired, and you want a solution to your toddler sleep problem. Controlled crying is a relatively quick sleep training solution. Some programmes claim to work in 3 days and others use a more gradual approach.

The general idea is that you can leave them to cry for a short time and then you can go in their room to reassure them but you do not pick them up to stop their crying.

Gradually you lengthen the time that you leave them for and eventually they will go to sleep. The pro of controlled crying is that your toddler will learn how to sleep on their own and therefore you will all get better sleep.

The downside of controlled crying is that it's distressing for your child and for you. There is no way around it. Leaving your child to cry is difficult - they want you and you're not going to them straight away and you're not picking them up as you would normally.

After a number of nights the crying gradually lessens and finally your child will then go to sleep by themselves. Once you reach this stage everyone of course feels much better! Everyone gets more sleep and everyone has more energy.

So the initial stages are tough for everyone. You need to agree with yourself and partner that you are going to let your child cry for an agreed amount of time and not give in and pick them up or cuddle them, etc.

If you cannot do this, do not choose this option! It will only be upsetting for you and your child and will not help your toddler sleep problem. Instead, choose the slow and gradual approach.

However, the controlled crying plan we describe on this site is gentle and is not the quickest you can find. The plan suggests lots of reassurance and checking on your child so that your child learns to sleep by himself but hopefully with the minimum of distress.

Before you start any sleep training programme always check with your medical professional that your child is well and healthy and that his toddler sleep issues are not a sign of any underlying problem.

Make sure that he is ready for bed, has had his drink and is happy generally.

Follow your bedtime routine as normal - if you haven't got one, then start by having one. Bed time needs to be something to look forward to. Establish the bedtime routine for some time, say two weeks, before introducing anything new, such as sleep training.

We thought it would be helpful to discuss a few opinions about controlled crying:

1. Crying is healthy
This opinion in some ways is true. Crying shows that your child's lungs and chest muscles are healthy. However, crying is a sign of distress which is not healthy. It's emotionally and psychologically distressing for both child and parent. However, bear in mind, any change to your toddler is upsetting and therefore any change is likely to cause tears.

2. Let him cry, you're spoiling him!
Going to a distressed child is not spoiling him, it's comforting him. In controlled crying, if you do it gradually, you are responding to their cries to some extent. You are going in to say it's okay, you're okay, sshhhh, you're okay. You are not ignoring them. If you were to simply leave them to let them "cry it out", then you could be ignoring him and causing distress unnecessarily.

3. You are teaching him independence!
Independence can be taught in many ways and with love, consideration and it can be done gradually. Leaving him for cry for long periods is not teaching him independence. However, if you teach your child learn to sleep gradually he will learn that he can sleep independently.

4. You need to be more separate from him!
Separation from you child will come in many guises. Going to preschool or nursery, playing with other children, having a babysitter, eventually school. It'll come, there's no need to force it. And remember the more active your toddler becomes, the more he's going to need his sleep!

You will hear all sorts of well meaning advice. Listen to your head and your heart, take a step back from your situation and decide what you would like to do.

For many parents controlled crying is the last but realistic option simply because everyone is so exhausted and you feel you really need to do something to get more sleep. Lack of sleep is effecting your life to such an extent that you need a solution.

We'll guide you through how to help your child sleep through a gradual controlled crying plan. There are also many more detailed sleep training programmes and books available to take you through the process step by step.

Most of all, remember that these toddler years are short. You want to enjoy them and if you aren't then look at the problems and look at the varied options to solve those problems. Just by reading this you are beginning to look at the options on how to solve your child's sleep problems so you've started the problem solving process already.