Handling Temper Tantrums

Handling temper tantrums is really tricky for any parent. Your toddler could be screaming, trashing around, uncontrollable and inconsolable and it's very stressful for any parent to see. Here we look at ways of dealing with toddler temper tantrums.

Toddler temper tantrums are unnerving and alarming. Your toddler is in distress, can't be consoled and you might not know what even sparked it off. Handling temper tantrums in a calm way will help your toddler get back to an even keel.

Toddler temper tantrums can happen because your child is genuinely distressed, tired or simply wants attention and having a tantrum is one way of getting attention. You will need to gage your own toddler.

However, often the best way of handling temper tantrums is by giving your toddler lots of positive attention away from the tantrum through play and time together. And when there is a tantrum you almost ignore it.

With these two tactics working together your toddler is getting the attention that he wants through having happy times with you and is not getting any attention through a tantrum. He therefore learns that a tantrum does not get want he wants.

Here's information on handling toddler tantrums in general plus we've also dedicated a separate page to toddler tantrums at bedtime.

Here are a number of ways of handling temper tantrums:

• Let him know that you are there, and stay nearby but doing other things.


• Ask him if he wants a cuddle (sometimes he might say "NO!", but then a minute later, he'll say yes in a quiet voice). This could happen if the tantrum is out of being upset rather than attention seeking.


• Stay calm. Do not get angry with your toddler - it will make it worse.


• Acknowledge him - you could say "You look so cross" or "I know you're angry" - not in a patronising way, but in a way that he knows that he is being heard. And then leave it and do something else but nearby.


• Do not argue with your toddler. Let him know that you are there when he wants you. If you have another child there then give the other child positive attention - your toddler will see that having a temper tantrum does not give him positive attention and soon he wil stop and join in to get the positive attention too.


• If you feel that you are going to lose your temper, go out of the room and take some deep breathes. Losing your temper will make the matter worse, your toddler will be scared, and it will take longer to calm him down.


• Distraction may help. Do something nearby that you think he may be interested in but do not cajole your toddler into joining - let him join in when he wants, and when he does, praise him as soon as you can so that he sees that doing productive things gives him attention.


• Once the tantrum is over, do not hold a grudge about it or complain. If you talk to him about it only talk to him in a way that will hopefully help him to avoid having another one.


• If your toddler is trying to tell you something in his tantrum but you can't understand him, gently let him know that because he is so angry his voice is hard to understand. Ask him to see if he can calm down just a little so that you can hear his lovely voice. However, trying to reason with your toddler during a tantrum is unlikely to work.



• If your child is having a tantrum due to being overtired or overstimulated you could try holding him and gently patting his back or rocking him. Being held close to you may help him calm down. However, it could simply be too much for him and may have the opposite effect. If this is the case, lay him down but be nearby.

  Even if your toddler is overtired the likely way to solve the tantrum is to let your toddler know you are there, using distraction by you looking at other things and by ignoring the actual tantrum. Stay calm and know it will pass.



• If his toddler temper tantrum is dangerous and he is lashing out let him know that it's okay for him to be angry but that you won't let him hurt anything. Tell him he can hit the cushion on the chair or bed.

If you have had a number of toddler tantrums at bedtime then you need to sit down and look at the problem in a new way and then can change handling temper tantrums accordingly.

1. Firstly, consider if there is any way that you can prevent the tantrum. Ask yourself:
Is the tantrum sparked off by the same thing? If so, what?
Is your toddler too tired to cope with bedtime? If so, can we bring it forward a little?
Is there a bigger issue behind his tantrum? Is he upset about a new change in the family?
Is he getting enough positive attention, one to one, during the day from you? This could be a difficult question but it's so important that you toddler gets your positive attention so that he feels loved and valued and doesn't have to fight to get it.

2. You can also speak to your child about his tantrum. Ask him how it feels, what he wants from having one, and be prepared to know what to say in response.

3. Know what you will do in a tantrum and when your child is alert and available during the day, speak to him about him and let him know what you will do too. If your child knows that you will wait until he is calms down the tantrums may be much shorter.

4. Be consistent in handling temper tantrums. It takes time for a child to learn how his small world works and what influence he has over it. As a parent you need to be gentle, loving but also consistent so that your child can learn what to expect when he has a toddler temper tantrum. However, if your way simply doesn't look like it's working, then do try a different tact. Giving positive attention away from the tantrum, ignoring the tantrum often works wonders.

Good luck in handling temper tantrums. Above all else,keep calm, give lots of positive attention away from the tantrum comfort your toddler as soon as you are able and stay consistent. Know that your toddler temper tantrums will pass.