Sleep Training: Controlled Crying

There are many methods of sleep training and different controlled crying methods to find out about. If you are reading this page then you probably want your child to go to sleep on their own and take just a short time to settle! Here's one sleep training method which uses a gentle method of controlled crying.

Remember, before changing your child's sleeping habits get advice from your local health professional to make sure that your child to healthy and that there are no medical underlying problems that could be effecting his sleep.

You also need to check that this is a good time for sleep training - it needs to be a time when your child is settled in other ways. For example, if you are returning to work, moving house, potty training, have a new baby, family changes, or your toddler is teething, starting nursery or in any other transition period then you will need delay sleep training until your toddler is settled in his new normality.

The controlled crying method we outline here is one that we hope is least distressing to you and your child. Remember, your child is unique and your parenting method is unique too. You may want to adapt and change this method to suit you, and always research others too to see which one is right for you.

Here's an outline of what you need to do

1. Establish your bedtime routine
If you do not follow the same routine every night then you need to establish a relaxed bedtime routine. Once this has been established and becomes the norm then you can go further.

Remember a fun toddler bed and bedding will also help his sleep because he will love being in his bed!

2. Check what you've tried
Double check that his bedtime routine is established and that he loves where he sleeps. Check that you've also tried the slow and gradual approach. We say this, not because controlled crying is "bad", but it can be initially tough.

3. Explain sleep training to your toddler
Depending on how old your toddler is you may be able to talk to him about the importance of sleep, resting the body and how he is so big he can learn how to sleep by himself! You can talk to him about choosing his favorite cuddly toy to sleep with or you could go together to a shop and choose a lovely new teddy or cuddly soft toy (avoid any with bells, voices or any other noise!) especially to help him sleep.

Explain that he'll go to bed like normal and then you'll say goodnight and leave the room. Then he needs to lie quietly so his body can rest. In a while he'll start feeling a little sleepy, his eyes will close and he'll fall asleep! Make it all sound positive and grown up.

See if your toddler has any questions or concerns.

Make sure your toddler has a nightlight if he would like one and be sure that it's established in his room before starting any sleep training. Some methods suggest pitch darkness but this can be scary for a toddler especially as their imagination develops. Be sure to choose his bedtime story carefully - don't read scary stories as they can really frighten a little child who believes they could be true.

Say you'll leave the door open and he needs to stay in bed, tucked up and cosy (this will be easier if he has a bed he loves).

Tell him that you'll come back in his room to make sure he's okay. You need to let him know that you're not just going to leave him - if he's not used to being left alone in bed, it's a big step for him.

You can also use photos and pictures to help him understand how sleep works. Sleep is a strange concept for a child as he does not know when he is actively sleeping! You could take photos of your child and then make a photo diary of bedtime and sleep time to include story time, good night time, sleep time and waking up time.

It will help him understand that after good night time he will go to sleep next. And then wake up in the morning. It's positive, fun to do and a helpful reminder of how sleep works for your toddler.

3. Preparation for you
Schedule sleep training carefully. You will need to dedicate a week, possibly two weeks to it, ideally when both parents are available, or if you are single, then bring in help from a friend or relative. Tell the neighbours so that they know what is happening so that if there is more crying than normal so you don't need to worry about the noise.

During this sleep training time YOU will be tired, so schedule in rest time for yourself, bring in some extra help and support during the day to rest.

The key part of this method is YOU. You need to be consistent, calm, strong, and if possible, supported. Line up treats for yourself. Expect to go back to your child say 200 times, and when it's less than that, feel pleased!

Early in the day on every sleep training day, set up a "sleep station" for yourself outside your child's room. You need a stop-watch, a pad and pen, a little lamp and something to do (like a word-search, a jigsaw puzzle, something to simply distract you but doesn't need much concentration!).

Also give yourself quiet refreshments so nothing crunchy like crisps or biscuits otherwise your toddler will want them too! Every time you go to check your toddler make a little tick on your pad so you can keep a track of how it is going.

Have a notice up at your "sleep station" with the words "Consistent, Calm, Loving" or similar, to remind yourself that that's what you need to be even on the umpteenth time that you've taken him back to bed or that you've reassured him.

You might feel that you're not being very loving, but you are. You're going in and saying that he's okay - or say, you're okay, I love you when you go in if that feels right for you. You need to remain calm - and the key to do this is to prepare well.

You're teaching your toddler how to sleep and when he is sleeping better, you'll all feel more energetic and have a good time together.

4. Sleep Training In Action
You've had story time and now you can tuck in your toddler, say your goodnight phrase, turn his bedside lamp off and leave the room (you can have a night light on - although this needs to be established already).

If or when your toddler protests, go to him and say, "Shhhh, it's sleep time now, you're okay." Any small reassurances are fine, and you can touch him briefly or pat his back a little. Leave the room.

He is likely to continue to protest and cry so at this point, wait for 30 seconds, before going back.

Go back and say, "Shhhh, it's sleep time, you're okay". Make it brief, but caring - change the words to suit you. Do not engage in conversations or extra cuddles. You've checked he's okay and he's had cuddles already. Leave the room.

And then keep repeating it! You may need to repeat it over 200 times on the first night, but that's fine. You're there for him, he knows you're there for him and you're checking on him so you know he's okay. He's learning that even if he is on his own in bed, he's okay.

If he comes out of bed, simply hold his hand and lead him back to his bed and reassure him as before. If he keeps coming out of bed, keep putting him back and tell him it's sleep time. Remain consistent, calm and loving - there's no need for you to get angry or cross. It won't help and you'll both get more stressed. Keep saying reassuring things to him. Keep reading your notice at your sleep station!

Eventually he'll go to sleep - he'll be getting tired afterall.

When he is asleep, congratulate yourself!

And the next morning, congratulate him! He did it! Even if it took hours, don't mention that, just focus on the positive. Give him a treat! Tell him, tonight, we'll do the same, and this time it will be a bit easier because you're learning how to go to sleep! What a big boy! Well done! Even if YOU are dog-tired, be positive.

On the second night, if he cries leave him for 45 seconds or a minute if that seems okay. Keep going!

On the third night, if he cries leave him for a minute.

On the fourth night, leave him for 2 minutes.

On the fifth night, leave him for 3 minutes, and so on.

And every day give yourself and your child a treat or do something special together to congratulate yourselves. Support and take care of yourself during the sleep training process.

Gradually, he'll realise that he's okay. You're around, and he will fall to sleep by himself.

It might take a week, maybe longer for him to reach this stage. When you do, you will have reached a major life change for the whole family. Sleep and bed time will be much easier and everyone will be getting more sleep and more rest. You will regain control of your evenings and everyone, individually and as a family, will feel better.

Good luck!